Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Good news
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]