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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.