me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
me as a parent
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind