[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me