[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
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I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
And then there were 4
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Is this a threat?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*