To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
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My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Krampus.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun