I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I am a gravy boat captain
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Another interesting #factupdates post!
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.