Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.