The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Cashiers are always checking me out
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.