Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”