So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
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the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.