I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?