I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”