Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
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Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.