Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
he chose this
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”