Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.