Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like