When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
This is my favorite one of these!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.