perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Can’t, holding a grudge
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Meow
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.