at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
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My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope