Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
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“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂