The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 馃巸
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what鈥檚 with the credit card bill.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 馃
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
They鈥檙e a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I鈥檝e ever been to.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pok茅mon collection?