[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Looking at you, Jesus.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Weirdly Wednesday.