Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.