my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
You Might Also Like
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?