Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?