Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
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Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.