The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You Might Also Like
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Called it
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.