Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
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I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.