My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*