Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.