Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster