Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[montage of me giving-up]
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit