Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
You Might Also Like
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
This has made my week.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.