Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
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What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Aaaa…CHOO!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life