When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆