Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Netflix: We have Less