Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers