Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.