Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
You Might Also Like
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
What
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.