To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.