A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
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[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”