@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
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My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.