Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.