Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it