Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*