You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
#NoRestForTheWicked
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall