I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
You Might Also Like
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
#dnd #ttrpg
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.