daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
This is painfully accurate 😅
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.