Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*